12 Step Non-WODoholic Program: I Had Other Shit Going On

Posted by Brian PCF
Dec 23 2011

There is no difference between a WODaholic and a Non-WODaholic. They are both still addicted, it’s just that one actually shows up.

Today we explore ways to set yourself back on track and #justshowup with a new 12 Step Program.

Why settle for your basic shitty Paleo Challenge run by some hack. Coming soon from Brian PCF: MindFuck Challenge. You’re benchmarks are:

  • How scared are you about not showing up? Not enough! We will send former Russian Spetsnaz to your house, kidnap you, claim to be Chechen’s, drive you around in circles for miles (you live 7 minutes from the gym, it’s not dramatic if they take you straight there), and tape your hands to a fucking barbell.
  • We will break into your home, and force you to watch every episode of Mad Men and whenever anyone pours a drink or lights a cigarette we will pepper spray you in the fucking face. If you don’t have the DVD’s, don’t worry, we’ll get them from your roomate, who at least has Season 2.
  • And in extreme situations: indefinite detention, enhanced cheese-deprivation techniques, and subliminal word association (bread=yucky poopy), in order to scare the living shit out of you.

The Brian PCF 12 Step Mindfuck Non-WODaholic Program (thanks AA):

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol not showing up — that our lives had become unmanageable really busy because my job sucks and TV and Clarendon are awesome.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves our newly rehired and somewhat passable, when sober, coach Brian PCF and the Crossfit Community could restore us to our sanity previous pant/dress size and modest feeling of fucking eliteness.

3. Made a decision to turn our will credit card number and our lives five hours per week over to the care of God said passably competent coach as we understood Him even though we don’t understand most of his strange blog posts.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves frantic search for old clothes because my “three months of Crossfit” clothes don’t fit anymore.

5. Admitted to God our coach, to ourselves, and to another human being a random stranger at Spider Kelly’s during happy hour the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. We are entirely ready to have God our somewhat passable coach and the Crossfit Community remove all these defects of character make us walk around like we just had an appointment with the angriest proctologist on earth for at least the first two weeks back.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings for our old membership rate.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed non-paleo foods we ate at the office Christmas Party, and became willing to make amends to them all at least try Paleo-brownies versus the real thing.

9. Made direct amends deposit and a long term contract my preferred payment option to such people Crossfit gyms wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others jeopardize my paying for my share of yacht week at Lake Havasu, which is totally rad.

10. Continued to take personal inventory thrash myself mentally and when we were wrong done promptly admitted it started drinking mojito’s at home, alone.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation frequent posts with exclamation points on the comments section rather than showing up to improve our conscious contact with God my mostly passable coach and the Crossfit Community as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out that some stupid workout with [insert: Squats/Not Squats/Box Jumps/Pullups/Pushups/Running/Not Running/Rowing/Not Rowing/Double Unders/etc] wouldn’t come up on the day I swore I’d come back, but if it did I’d have the power to carry that out, or at least not get caught shaving reps off the last round.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening a simultaneous shitting/puking episode in the one bathroom at the gym as the next class is showing up and them totally hearing/smelling this as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics non-Crossfitting co-workers, friends, and family, and to practice these principles in all our affairs so they know what a fucking badass I am, or at least will be if I can stick with it this time.

5 Responses

  1. Dave says:

    Did you get a job again (“newly rehired”)? Because if you did and said new employer sees your blog, you may not have it for very long.

  2. Brian PCF says:

    “Rehired” meaning you, the client, rehired me.

  3. John says:

    This is fucking rad.

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  5. Kassi says:

    My name is Kassi, and I’m a non-WODaholic.